### Transcript
Amanda Dinsmore (00:00.846)
Hey guys, welcome back to the podcast. I'm Amanda.
Laura Cazier (00:04.803)
I'm Laura.
Kendra Morrison (00:06.534)
And I'm Kendra.
Amanda Dinsmore (00:08.398)
This is part two of a series we're doing, "Building Lasting Connections with Your Kids of All Ages." You may or may not know that our Laura here created a K through 12 school. So, you know, if you have a little extra free time, that's available too. We might as well tap into everything she knows about kids and their connections. She also works in the pediatric ER mainly. This is an issue for all of us; we all want to be better parents, and a lot of times our kids don't come with manuals. So this is really helpful for all of us. Laura, tell us a little bit about what we're going to talk about this time.
Laura Cazier (00:54.083)
We're going to talk about ways to connect with our kids, no matter what stage of development they are currently experiencing. Kids have a lot of needs that are the same across their development, but sometimes it feels a little bit different depending on if you're dealing with a sassy two-year-old or a sassy twelve-year-old. So here we go. We'll start with connecting with younger kids.
Kendra Morrison (01:23.782)
Yeah, so these are your younger kids that really want to engage in play. Play is the language here. It's really helpful to engage in age-appropriate play like building blocks, imaginative play, board games, anything that encourages play and that creative side of their brain. Another thing is to read together, making reading a daily routine. Let them choose the books, maybe something they're interested in, asking open-ended questions about the stories, really diving in, maybe becoming the characters themselves, enhancing that creative side of the brain. Also, singing songs and doing silly dances, which is one of my favorites when my kids were young. I made silly dances out of picking up toys, taking a bath, whatever I could do so that it would seem fun. Embracing the joy of movement and creating fun memories, because even though I can't sing, it was always fun to sing things and make it super eclectic and crazy. Sometimes my kids remind me of these things and wish they had a cell phone back then to capture it on the tiki-taki really quick.
Kendra Morrison (02:42.026)
Another thing is positive affirmations. This is really good at any age, but here we offer simple phrases like, "You are so kind," or "I love seeing you try." Things like, "You're so brave," or "Thank you for taking the time to spend with me," whatever it is, just really boosting their self-esteem, making them feel good about the current activity or what you're getting ready to do. Establishing routines and boundaries is super important at this age. This sets the course for the next stages we talk about, providing a sense of security and predictability with consistent routines and gentle disciplines. Avoiding harsh criticism is key. We talked about the five-to-one ratio—filling up their bank with five positives before maybe a negative or a correction. There is a way to correct through learning and gentle discipline rather than getting too crazy, loud, and yelling.
Kendra Morrison (03:54.886)
It can be difficult at times, especially with dual physician households, finding time for yourself to regroup, managing stress at work, and then trying to manage at home. But being really intentional about the time you are spending one-on-one with your kids is important. Trying to stay on a consistent routine, even though it's sometimes easier said than done, is crucial.
Laura Cazier (04:26.403)
During this stage, kids are really learning about whether they are in a safe place or not. What you mentioned about keeping it calm and not harsh is important. We can discipline and still help our kids feel safe. They're learning if we're safe people or not. If they live in fear of us, like many of us did of our parents at that age, it's going to affect their ability to attach to us and others later in life. We can discipline without generating terror. We can discipline and help them continue to feel safe. It is important to have boundaries and not allow undesirable or antisocial behavior to persist.
Laura Cazier (05:30.819)
We can do that while providing emotional safety for them, and this will carry on into the tween and teen years. I'll talk about some key strategies for navigating those years. Remember that five-to-one positivity rule—keeping interactions more positive than negative helps keep emotional capital in the emotional bank account. Boundaries will undoubtedly need to be enforced during this period. If we have as much emotional capital in the bank account as possible, it will be received much better. Respect is important for both younger kids and teens.
If we offer them choices, not all the choices in the world, but say it's time to get dressed and they want to wear pajamas to school. If we give them choices and honor their agency and autonomy, it helps. We talk about this a lot for us during our careers, that we need to feel autonomy to feel good in our jobs. Remember self-determination theory from way back, many episodes ago. Kids are the same way. They're born with the sense that they are supposed to direct their own course. If we say, "No, you must put on the green pants," we're going to get a lot more resistance than if we lay out three outfits and say, "Okay, pajamas are not an option. These are your options."
Laura Cazier (07:25.27)
Go ahead and choose one, offering them a choice. The same goes for teens—respecting them as human beings, offering them choices while establishing and holding boundaries. Respecting their privacy is crucial. This doesn't mean we don't ever look at their phone; we need to be looking at their phones. But we knock when we're going into their room, especially if we know they're in there. We're not going to just barge in and act entitled to invade their space. In conversations, we can focus on making those quality conversations. Find time to really engage, put the devices down, make eye contact, ask questions, and wait for their answers. We don't want to correct their feelings; we want to hear and validate them. We're showing curiosity and interest in what they're doing, their friends, and their passions. If we identify something problematic, we can come back to that later. Just in that moment, we're connecting and trying to engage on a soul-to-soul level.
Laura Cazier (08:51.747)
Engage in activities they enjoy. Go to concerts they like, watch their favorite show together, or play games together. One thing we love to do as a family is Jackbox games. Do you guys do Jackbox games? They're so fun.
Amanda Dinsmore (09:14.985)
I don't know what that is.
Laura Cazier (09:17.923)
You will love them. You need to check them out. It's an online game at Jackbox.tv. You can download games to your phone, and there's a part that's up on the TV. Last night we played Fibbage, which is basically like, "Which thing is true and which is a lie?" but much more fun with amazing 70s graphics and music. Jackbox games are so fun to do together. I go rock climbing with my 16-year-old periodically, even though I have a deathly fear of heights. I can get about halfway up the wall, and my goal is to try to get to the top. It's rough for me because I'm so afraid to let go. I always think the auto belay won't work for me, and I'll crash to the ground. But doing things they like to do helps them feel connected with us. Listening is important—be a safe space for them to share their thoughts. Validate their feelings, and avoid jumping in with unsolicited advice. We want to connect by validating.
Laura Cazier (11:46.531)
Maintain realistic expectations. Teens won't always want to spend a ton of time with us. They are exploring their world again. They want that attachment, the secure attachment we're trying to create, which means they know they can come back to us, and we will help them get their needs met. They are not afraid to go out and explore. They do that when they come back to us, and we're able to provide that validation and safe space for them. Try to avoid negativity with them.
Laura Cazier (12:50.275)
Connecting with adult children is something I'm moving into as my oldest is 20 now. We've seen some of this with our clients too. When our kids are out on their own, it's important to continue using skills of validation, love, and celebrating their wins while avoiding negativity. They don't have to interact with us unless they want to. If we're overly negative or offering unsolicited advice, they will probably choose to engage with us less over time.
Amanda Dinsmore (13:08.981)
You
Laura Cazier (13:18.979)
We need to recognize that our kids are their own people, on their own journey, learning things. We're here to help them get their needs met if they want us to. We're here to guide them if they allow us. At this stage, we're more cheerleaders than coaches. When the kids are little, we're like coaches, but when they are out of the house, we're cheerleaders. We want to keep it as positive as possible. Maintain open communication, schedule regular calls or video chats. You can play Jackbox games with people far away too. Express interest in their lives, ask about their work, relationships, goals, and offer support without judgment. Avoid unsolicited advice. It's against our nature, especially for doctors who are good at finding what's wrong. We want to support them and respect their boundaries. We don't want to just show up at their house without being invited unless that's an agreement. Celebrate milestones—call them on their birthdays, be there for their anniversaries, kids' graduations, exciting events. Be there to support as a cheerleader, not a coach. This will make them see us as a safe space and want to engage and connect with us.
Amanda Dinsmore (15:44.986)
Very nice. My section is about how to maintain connections throughout all ages. Again, like we talked about in part one, the idea is to have five positive connections to each negative one. We are responsible for guiding our children, so there probably will be some corrections. Being conscientious about having that emotional bank full of positive experiences before they inevitably go off course and need correction is important.
Amanda Dinsmore (17:22.019)
Express love and appreciation often. Verbally expressing love and appreciation is positive reinforcement. Catching someone doing something right is very powerful. Negative attention is better than no attention, but we want to focus on positive reinforcement. Making time for shared experiences is another key. Plan vacations, family dinners, outings to create lasting memories. Memories are powerful and can be cherished long after we're gone.
Laura Cazier (17:25.486)
Yeah.
Amanda Dinsmore (17:50.115)
Practice forgiveness. Everyone makes mistakes. Be willing to forgive and move forward. Don't be afraid to apologize. It's easier for a child to think there's something wrong with them than to think there's something wrong with their parents. Coming off night shifts and stresses from work, I was cranky, but knowing that it wasn't their fault, it was because I hadn't slept in 36 hours, is important. Apologizing is a very adult thing to do.
Laura Cazier (21:04.707)
100%.
Kendra Morrison (21:04.774)
And, Amanda, that's a great point because making that repair, showing vulnerability, being the example, no matter how much your kids think you're their hero, showing that you're superhuman is important. Explaining why you were not your best self after rest or a moment to yourself helps them understand that even superheroes have limits. Modeling that vulnerability makes them comfortable sharing their vulnerability in a safe space.
Laura Cazier (22:54.883)
Mm-hmm.
Laura Cazier (23:21.102)
It's important to show respect. Respect them, and they will respect you. People who have apologized are respected more than those who blame others.
Amanda Dinsmore (23:25.102)
100%. Separate the behavior from the child. Just because they did something bad doesn't make them a bad person. Treating someone as a terrible human because of a bad action is not helpful. It's the same for ourselves; we shouldn't label ourselves negatively.
Laura Cazier (24:06.915)
No, or any labels like saying, "You're so lazy." They carry that; they believe you.
Amanda Dinsmore (24:12.193)
Right. We do it to ourselves too. It's a good policy across the ages. Show empathy. Try to see things from their perspective and validate their feelings. Realizing that a child's frontal lobe isn't fully formed until their early to mid-20s helped me understand why they might act erratically. Being present is key. Put away distractions and focus on them when you're together. Avoid negativity or criticism. If they need attention, they'll find a way to get it.
Amanda Dinsmore (25:10.094)
Recognize that sometimes they need a hug or your time. Being present means truly engaging with them, not just being in the same room.
Kendra Morrison (26:24.998)
I tried to go to as many of my kids' functions as possible. Showing up and being there creates a pattern that mom will be there, have my back. Even if it was a stretch, I showed up. Sometimes that's the bravest thing you can do.
Laura Cazier (27:34.467)
Yeah, that's secure attachment.
Amanda Dinsmore (27:34.478)
I would also say, for those working full-time and trying to be at everything, it's quality over quantity. If you're doing too much and have no gas in the tank, permission to skip the event and rest. Being a better version of yourself after rest is important.
Kendra Morrison (28:45.414)
I chose to be there because that might have been the only time I saw my kid that week. It was a choice, even if it meant less rest.
Laura Cazier (29:12.547)
We're going for patterns. Show a pattern of being there for them and also show that it's important to take care of yourself. Model something good and sustainable for them. Manipulation won't get you what you want.
Amanda Dinsmore (29:43.073)
Right. Just take a nap if you need it. Quality interactions are better than quantity. Respect their agency. They're on their own journey. It's easier to be alongside them than opposing them. Give them choices you are fine with, like brushing their teeth now or doing homework first. Let them have their own sense of agency.
Amanda Dinsmore (30:27.886)
Quick tips: Make a connection jar where children can write down questions, activities, or conversation starters. Have a weekly planning meeting or family board meeting to discuss concerns, plans, and connect. Plan regular adventures together and invite their input. Autonomy is vital for all of us.
Amanda Dinsmore (32:11.587)
We'll close out with Brene Brown's wholehearted parenting manifesto: "Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions. The lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself."
Laura Cazier (32:17.166)
We need to do a whole episode on that manifesto. It's amazing and powerful.
Amanda Dinsmore (32:23.43)
Great conversation today, considering we're in volume two of our "Making Connections with Kids" series. We'd love to hear your ideas too. If this episode touched your life or you have tips from your parenting of kids of all ages, leave a comment. It helps us and other doctors find us. When you leave a five-star review, it pushes us to the top of the list, which we would love.
Kendra Morrison (33:13.606)
Okay. If you've never checked out our free download called "Feel Better Stat," which is a quick read of all the things we wish we learned in training to keep us in it to win it for as long as we can, click on the link or visit our website, www.thewholephysician.com.
Kendra Morrison (33:42.534)
We take demoralized doctors from fried to fantastic with our easy and evidence-based Wellness 911 program. Until next time, you are whole, you are a gift to medicine, and the work you do matters.
