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[00:00:00] Hey, guys, welcome back to the podcast. I'm Amanda. I'm Laura. And I'm Kendra. And today we are going to talk about minding our own business, but it's probably different than what you think it's gonna be. But for a little background, Byron Katie is a thought leader in the world of self help you may or may not be familiar with her.
But in chapter one of her book, loving what is she goes over some basic principles that guide her own personal philosophy. And the philosophy that she teaches. So you can take it or leave it. We're not saying this is gospel, but I do like to think about. What works for other people, and maybe it works for your life, maybe it doesn't.
This one in particular works for my life very well. So today we'll explore how Byron Katie's idea of staying in your business can help physicians reduce stress and find more peace of mind. We'll explain the concept and then discuss real life examples from medicine and even personal life. So here's the basic explanation.
She says that there's only three kinds of business in this world. One is, my [00:01:00] business, what I think, feel, say, and do. These are things that I can control. Business number two is your business, what others think, feel, say, and do. Those are things I cannot control, but they are still within human control.
It's somebody else's business. And then for things that I can't control, and no other human can control, she calls that God's business. That's her own personal thing. If that makes you feel uncomfortable, the universe is business. Even my clients who aren't particularly spiritual recognize that they are not running the entire world.
Are not in charge of the entire earth. So, God's business refers to the weather, the past, death. illnesses, natural disasters, anything that is beyond human control. And so why does this matter? Because when we focus on other people's business, or we're super focused on God's business, we create a lot of stress for ourselves.
When we're mentally in anyone else's business other than our own. The effect is separation, actually. So her [00:02:00] example is, she had a story in her life for many years that her mother should understand her. So she would say, my mother should understand me. The second that she tells herself that, she immediately feels separated from her mother and feels lonely.
So, getting all up and, you know,, my brother shouldn't be on drugs is a separating thought. The world shouldn't be this way is an isolating thought. It's very interesting and they're all thoughts. So, being in someone else's business keeps you out of your own. And then this quote hurt me bad. She says in her book, to think I know what's best for anyone else is to be out of my business.
Even in the name of love, it's pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety, and fear. Do I know what's right for me? That's my only business. Let me work on that before I try to solve your problems for you. Dang it. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Dagnabbit. Yeah, and because it's such a nice distraction from the realization that we don't even know what's best for us.
Yes. Yes, and I think [00:03:00] about that like judge your discomfort before Like how judgy of me to be like, oh they need to do this as if I'm purely like I've got no issues whatsoever Right girl save my energy for the problems. I've got in my own.Yeah, it's funny to think of it that way.
Like, oh, that is arrogant. Wow. Dang it. Yeah.
If we didn't just peel that scab right off, let me just dig a little deeper here, okay? So when we talk about some clinical and maybe even personal examples, let's dive in. So let's talk about my business or what I can control. Clinically this might look something like choosing how to respond to patient non compliance.
We all face this. I don't care what specialty you're in, we make recommendations and that's what they are, recommendations. Yes, they're clinically educated, like they are backed by science and research. We feel like we're giving the best advice, but the thing is, [00:04:00] is patients They get to choose.
They get to choose. Yes, we're the experts, but they get to choose. So instead of, you know, feeling frustrated at the moment when a patient comes back for the third time and their wound's still not healed or you know, the third admission for a COPD exacerbation and the cigarettes are in the front pocket, you know what I mean guys?
Like this kind of stuff. We get to also choose how we respond and so While we are operating in what we feel like is our best interest, we just are information givers, right? And then the patient gets to choose. A personal example might look something like managing the work life balance that people talk about.
And how do we do this? Well, we talked about this in a previous on compassion fatigue, taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, Doing the things that will protect your peace and your joy that you can control instead of expecting everyone around you to change. No one knows what you need [00:05:00] best except you and no one knows your needs better than you and so honoring that, getting quiet, figuring out what you need, and then doing it and not relying on anybody else to give you permission or to validate it There's no explanation.
You know what you need. And so that's acting on your behalf. You've mentioned this before, Kendra, sometimes we don't even know what we need. Sure. So how in the heck is somebody else gonna be able to figure that out? Like that's what being in your own business can lead to. How are we gonna figure it out unless we, you know, yeah, consider it.
Yeah, and how do we know if we're not noticing our signals when we have feelings come up? If we're not noticing them and trying to name them or even just saying I need a timeout to figure this out, like honor that, take that time out. Staying in my business leads to empowerment and peace. When you're staying inside yourself, when you're holding yourself in self [00:06:00] integrity, you feel empowered.
When you start to notice your signals and actually can name them and then get to choose what you do with that, that is so empowering. And then you know moving forward and so you set up boundaries, you set up whatever you need in your life to protect your peace, to protect your joy, to protect your whatever it is.
That is going to plant those seeds moving forward of just very fruitful interactions, closeness in your relationships, connections on a deeper level than you thought you could be. Yeah, there's a really a lot of opportunity when you mind your business. Yes, and then what about others? So what are, what are we talking about?
What others think, feel, say, or do? Mel Robbins just had a new book, Let Them. I think that's gonna be a good one. We're gonna need to do a podcast. Because that is what this is about. Like, let them, let people decide how they get to act.
Let them show up exactly how they're gonna show up. Right, because it's out of our control and we don't know where they just came from or what they're in the middle of or where they're going. You [00:07:00] know, a clinical example of this might look like a physician worrying about what colleagues think of their decision making, you know, one of the things, and this might sting a little, but one of the things I hear sometimes, at our main shop are busy there's usually 5 or 6 of us working together and there'll be like, conversations with consultants and I'll overhear on the phone and I just hear so much explanation and oversharing and like justification. And it's a little cringy to me because I know what's going on on the other end.
I've been a part of that, like you're trying to justify to the consultant or you're trying to, you know, bottom line is you are in there. You saw the patient, you have the data, you did the exam. You are making the decision and end of story. But when us as ER docs, maybe aren't totally sold on the diagnosis, or maybe there could be two or three things that could be going on.
We're just not totally solid. We really work hard to like [00:08:00] talk them into it. And it's so minimizing and like maybe dismissive a little. I don't know. But I just hear like the ER doc side of the conversation and it's cringy to me and my heart kind of breaks because I'm like Dude, no, just tell them like this patient can't go home.
They're breathing still 40 times a minute I'm not sure could be COPD, CHF, whatever it is But anyways bottom line and then you know invite them if it's spiraling invite them to come and see the patient themselves I invite you to form your own opinion, right? Don't take my word for it. I invite you to come down and see the patient, whatever it is.
And you can do that in a very professional manner. But that right there, I find is really over emphasizing what that colleague or that person on the other end of the phone, that's not even in the department has not even laid eyes on the patient is really holding a lot more weight than they should at the moment.
But like even in that example, They're worried about what the colleague thinks. Do you even know what you think? Get in your business. Do you think the patient needs to be admitted or not? Are you really asking? [00:09:00] Or have you already Get in your business. Figure out what it is that you need to happen. Yeah.
That is going to get you so much more centered for that call. Absolutely. That's facts. So what does this look like personally? Well, we talked about this a little bit, stressing about how your spouse should behave, how your child should behave. I definitely found this is a real example in my life if you show up to something and, the spouse is acting a fool and it really, really creates, you know, that discomfort, like, wow, we probably shouldn't have come to this event tonight.
Like you act and like, I really just want to go home. Right. Right. But they chose to show up that way. It actually has nothing to do with you. That is on them. And to like own their act in a fool. If you're calm, collective, you've minded your business and you're showing up as a perfectly capable human being, and they're the one acting the fool that's on them, that is not a reflection of you.
If they are an adult and have like voting rights and a license and have a job, they're an adult. So they get [00:10:00] to choose. So that's not on you. And so that is what it is to mind your business and let the business of that other person be their business. In that thought, it really releases you from any unnecessary emotional burdens.
You don't have to carry your spouse's act in a fool. You don't have to carry that. That is not you. Thanks. So if they're doing that. You know what? That's on them and that is not for you to carry. And you know what? That is also not for you to correct in the moment. I mean, sorry to say that is not for you to call out in that moment either, because if they're acting a fool, they're showing up from a space of whatever they're not getting or they, they need, they're not going to hear you.
They're definitely not going to hear you call them out. So that's kind of a little stingy. I know, but it's true Later or after maybe 18 months of therapy, you can call it out at that moment. I will say it's important to, in particular, if a spouse is doing something that you feel like is negatively affecting your life.
While [00:11:00] you can't control what they do, you do have control response to their behavior. Yeah. And you can be clear about that. Hey, if you act a fool, when we go out in public, I'm not going to go out with you anymore. That's it. I choose to stay home. That's your business.
Yeah. That's your business. And then they can choose. Yeah, and that's what I think is so mind blowing about this simple concept is like you have to get honest with yourself What you need if you need to go out with a spouse that's not acting the fool then this one's not the right time Right or something else but then that forces you to own that And I think that's why we get uncomfortable and try to control the other person.
It just never works. No. Ever. Yeah. Yeah. And then my favorite is God's business. Yep. There's a lot of things, people that are out of all human control. Yours, mine, and ours. Like there are just things that happen. There is one sovereign and good news. We're not it. Right. And so that could even be even more [00:12:00] releasing just to know that we are not in control for the universe's outcome.
And I just gave a lecture a few weeks ago to med students, and I really wanted to impress upon them this very thing. When we talk about patient outcomes, sometimes we can grip it way too tight because we think either it's a slam dunk diagnosis, or we think, Oh, I know what this is, or I did a, b, and c.
So they should be recovering, they should be stabilizing, they should, whatever. And maybe they don't. Maybe they decline, go right down the toll bowl. Die. I don't know. But then maybe the very next patient you get the diagnosis and they go, you know, get admitted, treated and walk out of the hospital.
Either way, both of those outcomes are totally out of your control. Even when you do everything right and the patient does well. Or even though you feel like you did everything right and the patient doesn't, both of those outcomes were totally out of your control. And I feel like this is one where like, I know what you're saying and it gives you a lot of peace for me.
I do like [00:13:00] the idea of I still need to show up. To do my best, to give the best chance that they walk out of the business. Of course, like saying when it's just like, you have no control whatsoever. Then the sassy part of me is just like, well, then I can just stay home. The definitely, you know what?
I don't show up. It's, it's the part about, no, we all practice with ISTs, but the problem is US perfectionists. , yes. Us recovering perfectionists wanting to be good enough is. The problem is you have to let go of the outcome. You can't hold the outcome so tight that there is no other possibility in the world.
Yeah, don't go to nihilism. No, no, right. And you want to show up and that's what I was Pointing out to the med students, we all want to practice medicine with excellence. Excellence is a good thing. It's a driver. It's energizing. It makes you want to do everything you can.
It doesn't allow you to just stay home. It doesn't allow you to not show up for ship. You show up on your ship and practice with excellence. That's completely noble and most of [00:14:00] us do that. It's when we take it the next step further and think that when we show up and practice with excellence, everything should just fall into line.
And then we can't sleep for three days when someone had a bad outcome. That is what I'm saying. Yeah. It's holding too tight to that outcome because sometimes it was, yes, the ticket got punched and that was out of your control. It's the difference between influence and control, and we definitely can influence things.
We can influence outcomes. We can influence people. We can't control them though. Right. I like that. That's beautiful. That's good. Yeah, that's good. So clinically, that's kind of what it looks like. Personally, maybe worrying about future healthcare policies or institutional changes.
I was talking to a client the other day. This was a very good example of God's business. So he's totally overwhelmed, you know, he started a new job. He's had to ramp up like two to four patients on a schedule. Cause he's out of his trial time. And then you know, it's flu season. Everybody's complicated.
Everybody's sick right now. So he's getting [00:15:00] like four more patients a day, which doesn't sound like a lot, but they're all complex. And so he's going on and on and then chaos at home. He's got three kids that are, you know, just on and on and on. And then he's like, and then I saw the news and the plane crash and I'm worried about who's in charge now and health care policy.
And I just was like, okay. So this is the deal. You have a set amount of energy every day and a set amount of time. So you get to choose what you spend that time and energy on. May I remind you that, you know, you've got a lot of things right in front of you that sound like they align with your values and are more about your priority, the health care policy and the new bill in your state and all these other things that are kind of going on, despite whether you show up for work or not, probably you would allocate your time and resources away from that, you know, we can choose to really lump a whole bunch of stuff Up on this and start getting real crazy about where health care is going, where third party payers are going, is my hospital shut down?
Like all of these [00:16:00] things. And then, yeah, I think I think some people think that we're saying, don't do anything, be completely nihilistic about it. And that's not what we're saying. We're saying organize. If there's an organization you want to join, advocate. If there's some way that you can advocate. But outside of what you have control over.
That's what you have to give to God, or whatever it is that you believe, but you can't. It serves you not at all and sucks you of all of the energy you could have used to effect change over something you actually had control over, and that's not useful to give it to something that's just spinning you out.
Right, and there was a lot more vying for his attention right in front of him that he actually wanted to use his time and energy for that was way more aligned with his values than 100 percent some things so we don't even know what's gonna happen. That's the thing too that I catch myself I am in full blown fight or flight over something.
I don't even know what's gonna happen yet. [00:17:00] So Maybe I can go guns blazing after the thing actually happens, right? And then I know what to do, you know, or yeah Yeah, we talked about this a lot about that idea of future tripping just living that dread or that misery or that fear That anxiety twice like maybe it doesn't even ever come to manifest, right?
Maybe you're worried about it right in this moment. And then what if it ever happens or Why don't we just live the fear, anxiety, dread one time, like if it even happens and just be present. And that's another thing that we talked about in that session. I was like, you know, focusing on the present and being present.
Cause that was one of his values. He loved being present or he wanted to show up present for his patients. And then when he went home, he wanted to show up present for his family. And so, worrying about all this other thing, you know, it's going to take you away from being present. So when we accept that, it's all.
That's God's business. We really cultivate peace in our lives and it really improves resilience. And why? Because it reduces stress. It reduces that unnecessary energy spent on anxiety, fear, worry, [00:18:00] dread, whatever, if stuff that could, should, would, and, you know, may or may not come to pass. So accepting some of it, not necessarily.
Just laying down and not doing anything. If it's activating to you and it aligns with your values, of course, you want to allocate time and energy to it. But if it's something that's really not going to produce fruit or get you where you're going or even allow you to stay in your lane, then maybe just give it to the Lord.
So now we're going to talk about some practical takeaways and application, some topics that people frequently stress about. And let's think of some examples of what's my business, someone else's business and God's or the universe's business with the following examples. Okay. So the future, what my business in the future is how I take care of my body.
How I take care of my finances, what I can control, how I plan for the future knowing that I need to be flexible because things [00:19:00] happen and plans can change, but if I have a plan. Then I know I'm taking care of my part of the future and imagining what I would like for my future. What's somebody else's business is what they're gonna do like if i'm all wrapped up in where are my kids all going to land and I need to Like if I need to have them all come home and live on a family compound or i'm not going to be happy that is Not my business.
That's getting in other people's business. Can you guys think of any other people's business? I think I mean Future tripping and dread was pretty much the story of my life for a while, but and we come Back to this over and over and over as doctors. You're worrying about the future. You're pre living the very thing because you know you're giving yourself heart palpitations
like you're physically experiencing What you imagine the horrible thing is gonna be probably not gonna be a whole lot worse than what you're already doing to [00:20:00] yourself First of all number two, though something that gives me a lot of Peace is if something happens I know this about you and me and every Buddy listening here is that you're capable and you can figure it out then what to do Yes, so even shorter term future, if you're dreading work and you're just ruining your current, the moment that you're experiencing now, you're ruining the present by worrying about the future that you have no control over.
ER doctors do this a lot. So bad. It's like, what's going to happen if I have to, like, if a gunshot wound comes in and I have to do a thoracotomy and I've never done one, I don't know how to do. I'm like, You have no control over that. You literally have no control. And so why do you want to ruin your life every day before a shift when it may or may not ever happen?
And if it does, it will be fine. Yeah. You will be fine. So that's, a perfect example too. If that's something you want to feel more comfortable about, then review how to do a [00:21:00] thoracotomy. That is in your control. Yes. But spinning out about something that may or may not happening and then not doing anything about it is the worst use of your time.
Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay. Health. It's in my control. To eat healthy foods, to go get my checkups, my screening exams, to exercise, to take care of my mental health. These are in my control. I can't control if I'm going to get cancer. If I've done all that stuff and I still get cancer, that's not something I can necessarily control.
Like now I'm smoking. I can control that. Yeah. That's your business. Reduce my risk. Yeah. That's my business. But plenty of people are super healthy and they still get bad diseases. I think about that with like, maybe there's something that runs in your family. Well, maybe you will, maybe you won't. You can set yourself, I'm totally Laura, I'm going to use influence versus control all of the time now.
I think that's genius. So [00:22:00] you're going to do all the things you can do to influence your best chance, and then the rest of it is God's business. Yep. Just let it go. Same with, oh my goodness, like for me with my, especially my dad, like growing up before he died. I mean, he was, he was terrible alcoholic, smoked like over eight, I mean, you, you name it.
It was like, he lived to, he was almost 70 when he died and it was a miracle that it lived that long because his health was so terrible and me trying to control him, like from childhood, from childhood, I was trying to control him because I was so afraid of him dying. And it makes sense. It did nothing. It did nothing.
I mean, it made me worry a whole lot and of course, as a kid, that totally makes sense, but when we're an adult, it's time to realize we can love people without controlling them and they can smoke if they want, they can drink if they want. I've gotten to where when I talk to patients [00:23:00] about smoking or drinking, I just say, it used to be that I would be pretty judgy about it.
I'm just like, look, I know. It's a lifestyle choice, and it's hard to quit, even if you want to quit. If you want to quit, I'm happy to offer you support. And if not, maybe you'll think about it and later you'll be ready, but it's your choice. I feel like that presentation, too, Ultimately is far more influential than the, you know, you're not supposed to be doing this sort of stuff we do it too.
We don't like to be told what to do either. No. So, yeah, right. That is within your, yeah. Yeah, we go, what up on people and tell them and think that we know better than they do. And their psychological reactance says, heck no, you don't. Because ultimately. Like our own autonomy, our own agency is what's, it's more important to us than anything really, and we're not going to be bossed.
So if you want something for someone else, Bossing them is going to be a surefire [00:24:00] way that they're not going to do it. Yeah, along the same vein, the lessons I have taken from politics lately is that when you Assume the other side is just stupid. You don't speak to them in a way that influences them to change their opinions about anything So if you truly were motivated To encourage people to think in the way that you think it might be worthwhile to learn how to speak to those people Yeah in a way that's influential instead of making them dig in with extra fervor That's something that like I I am particularly bad when I feel strongly about a topic I'm not very good about meeting them where they are and Hearing their concerns, you know, in a way that then I could address, Oh, well that makes total sense.
If that's what you're concerned about, then that does make total sense. I'm talking about, it turns out my husband and I disagree about many things in life. I wonder how much more successful I would [00:25:00] be in a discussion if instead of saying, well, that's just cause you're an idiot.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. So if the way I'm doing it isn't working. Maybe I should see what does work, or maybe I should like, get out of my own arrogance, and like, if, if I were truly interested in changing people's minds. How do people do that? There are examples of people who are very diplomatic and change people's minds.
Not the way I was doing it. So, that would be in my control. Learn how to be more convincing. Take a communication class. That would be in my control. Crucial Influence is a book that Oh. Yeah, Crucial Influence. I have not read it yet. But that, maybe that needs to be a book club book. Yeah, all kinds of things.
Like, like parenting. I would just catastrophize all the time. Like, my son's not trying his hardest. Obviously he's going to wind up in a ditch on drugs. Never to be successful in life and it's going to be miserable or he's just doing things in a way that was different [00:26:00] from how I did it. Yeah.
What about that? You know? And so like an example with parenting that I see is, you know, my kids are growing up in the South and saying yes sir and no ma'am are just ways to present yourself that helps other parents respect you. And so. When I was growing up, it was like demanded of me that I say, yes, sir.
And I resented it so much with my kids. I present it like this, like, Hey, you know, like if you say this, other parents are going to think you're a respectable young man and it's going to. increase your own influence with other people. So you don't have to, it is a good way to help other people like you and trust you.
So just, especially if you're trying to influence somebody that that's important to them, like that's that sort of thing. You don't have to, but you're going to get a lot farther. Yes. With this particular set of mannerisms. Yes. [00:27:00] Yes. So much of good parenting involves releasing control. Setting appropriate boundaries, but releasing control of the kids.
Well, like understanding that kids have autonomy and they're very, very protective of their own autonomy. Another, yeah, totally. Another huge lesson for me is I can't tie in the same way that we were talking about with patients. You have to give. The outcome isn't controllable by me, my kids results are not a reflection on me.
What is my business is how I show up and demonstrate love to them. That's what I can control. Even if they make horrible decisions or decisions that I don't agree with. What is in my control is staying in my business and showing up in a way that's loving and that I'm proud of in my parenting. Yeah. Yep.
So many different ways. That we can get out of our business a big one and that I see my parents a lot Is they [00:28:00] get my mom especially will get really worried about the world And oh the world is so terrible and I'm just worried about it for my kids like for my grandkids and like but we don't have control over that.
And so what you do have control over is being a happy, relaxed grandma for your grandkids. And when you're totally worried about the world going down the toilet. All the time. It's harder to be that way. So, and there's a whole lot of examples. This is what I regret about the news is that only negative news.
That's what sells. And so if you're going to be glued to the news channel, you are going to think the world is on fire. Yeah. And there's so many examples of how the world today is so much better than it was. Yeah, we'll not see that unless you are actively looking for it, but that I would encourage you to To look at data.
Mm hmm. I'm like, there's not I mean it's news now that there's a pocket of people that have [00:29:00] TB That used to be widespread you used to like yeah, all kinds of people would die in childbirth all the time like It was very common to have like a whole little graveyard next to your house. Oh, yeah, you know what I mean?
Like we forget that sort of stuff. It was not that glamorous. People didn't bathe in it stunk all the time, you know? Oh, I know and sewage running down the streets. I mean, there's so many things. There's so many things. Yeah, it is also true. Yeah, so if you want good news, I think I've mentioned this on the podcast before, but Good News Network, that's my news station that I go to it's goodnewsnetwork.
org and they have good news every day. Lots of it about pets, which. Makes it even, makes it even better for me. So your business might be watching a different channel. Yes. That is within your control. I'm finding some good news. That's right. Yeah. That's right. And showing up as an optimistic, happy person, because showing up fearful is not going to make the world better.
[00:30:00] So a simple reflection question that you can use is the next time I feel stressed, can I ask myself, who's who? Business, am I in, and am I doing what I can do to control my own circumstances and control my own destiny because so much worry comes from trying to control things that we just can't.
So, different practices we can do. As you're trying to figure out whose business you're in, sometimes writing in a journal can clarify that. Notice your emotional reactions to situations and be curious about why. Why would I react that way? When we're reacting emotionally, our brains think oftentimes that our survival is in question.
Why does our brain think that Byron Katie has, she calls it a work. And so she has the work inquiry. We're going to talk about that in a later podcast, but for now, a good starting point when you're upset is to write it all down. Not [00:31:00] editing it, not judging yourself because. It just is. It just is. It's not, doesn't make you a terrible person if you're trying to control things.
It makes you human. And then ask yourself that question, whose business am I in? You can also always talk with a therapist or with a coach. If you talk with one of us, we will always help you identify thoughts that you're having. That are optional that might be causing suffering that you can consider releasing and choose something different.
There's a link in the show notes for a free session with one of us, if you would like, we would love it. We promise you'll feel better if you just show up, even just that one session, you'll get relief. We promise you that. And. The reason it helps to work with a coach is that we have a hard time being objective about what's going on in our minds,
our brains take over with survival instincts so often that it makes it, it [00:32:00] really does make it hard to think clearly and realize where our thinking is creating suffering for us. So when you have someone who has no skin in your game, looking at your thoughts and, helping you see which ones aren't helpful, it's just transformative.
So check that out. We would love to help you with that.
Yes, peace comes from focusing only on what we can control. So hopefully with all of this discussion today, minding your business, minding my business, minding the Lord's business, we hope to clarify a little bit about which category you find yourself in. But really to have to cultivate peace in your life, it's really about minding your business.
And so if this has helped in any way, please, we always want a review, but also tell us about it. Tell us how your mind and your biz, my biz and the Lord's biz. Email us at podcast at the whole physician. com and tell us all about it. We'd love to talk about it on air and we want to tell you about our free new video, how to [00:33:00] crush physician burnout for good without cutting back hours, quitting medicine or sucking it up in silence.
Scroll down in the show notes for the link and check it out today. Until next time you are whole, you are a gift to medicine and the work you do matters.
